Mother's Day Disillusion

My husband hates holidays. He thinks they are money makers. That we should celebrate the people we love everyday, and over the years I have come to agree. We still celebrate holidays (as the mood hits us).

But after 19 years of marraige I have celebrated 17 Mother's Days to which most of them were some of my BIGGEST pity-parties ever. I invited disappointment, anger, and rejection to my party. Of course I tried to do things like focus on others, celebrate with friends, play with my kids, but some how they always left me feeling disappointed. I have quite a lot of friends that have/do struggle with getting pregnant and I used to feel bad about being blessed with children sometimes. But I've realized although we should be sensitive, it's like not enjoying your wedding because some of your friends aren't married. 

After years of therapy, I've come to know these behaviors as co-dependant. Wow! Me? Eww! I don't want to be that. Co-dependency takes responsibility for other people's pain. They make less of themselves so others don't feel bad. (Hence feeling guilty for being blessed) There are so many facets to co-dependency, but for me this quote says best where my Mother's Day parties went awry:
"Codependency is using a relationship to fill a bottomless void due to not feeling whole and loved as an individual.

It's not the need to be loved that's the issue, it's the inability to love one's self that causes the dysfunction."  Graham R. White

I didn't like myself AT ALL...and even though I was expecting others to make me feel special, the truth was, I was setting them up to fail. One Mother's Day of loving on me would not make up for the 364 days that I beat myself up. 

I realized, like my friends who weren't mothers {yet} Mother's Day was a day that the enemy used to lie to me. To tell me "God forgot you, You're not worthy to be a mom, you're being punished for something" ~all lies~ 

For me, Mother's Day became a day destined to be doomed. It reminded me of ~ what I have and where I am in life.~ Sadly, self-pity robbed me from seeing all that He's given me. I focused more on being disappointed my life wasn't how I hoped, or jealous so many had what I didn't (whatever that is), basically I was upset, yet again, there was a void in me NO PERSON could meet. Not my own mom, not a new baby, not my own child, not my husband, and not even chocolate! 

I had to let God heal my warped perspective of love (an imaginary euphoric happiness) and realize the truth was, I couldn't receive love because I wasn't believing what God gave me was ~enough~ 

Downright plain selfishness. 

The sin of selfishness has killed more people than any sin I know. {Juli's statistics} Yep, that big ugly sin of 'me' was lurking to devour my family, me, and my witness for my gracious Savior. 

I now counter my selfishness with contentment. Contentment means satisfied. 

Satisfy: to fulfill the desires,expectations, needs, or demandsof (a person, the mind, etc.);give full contentment to

I can't say I have mastered this verse,  not.at.all. But it is my aim, my standard, and it reminds me that God is good and worthy to be praised whether I have what I want or not. 

"I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little." Philippians 4:12

The truth is God is always at work on our behalf. Our story isn't over till He says. And this world is about Him communing with us as we share with others His Extravagant love. So this Mother's Day will still be a reminder of ~what I have and where I am in life, and I now believe in the depth of my heart, "I have MORE than I deserve." 

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6

Today (A year later)

So I have been starting over every morning I open my eyes. I'm realizing a year has gone by since I began documenting this journey and as I anticipated, I left out all the nitty gritty details that have brought me to this point.
I'm truly surprised I'm still here honestly. These last 3 years especially have been the darkest night my soul has seen. And the truth is, I wouldn't trade it for the richness of joy I have today.
Someone said during this time, "Without the darkness you would never see all the millions of stars." Those stars were my christian friends and everything He used to keep me looking up.
Tonight during our Seder meal I was sharing about the freedom from slavery God brought in Exodus to the fulfillment of it with Jesus. I didn't realize until now that I have missed something very important about this Good News. Great suffering, pain, humiliation, confusion, doubt, despair, and death all proceeded the resurrection. So as I feel alive this Easter for the first time - maybe ever; I concur with this sobering truth, "you can't be raised with Christ, unless you have died with Him."
"I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!" Philippians 3:10-11

I think I'm getting it!

After a great conversation with a friend, I still left without any answers.....AGAIN. I was asking myself, "what am I searching for in my days?" What makes a good day or a bad day? Is it circumstance, attitude, feelings, perspective? Why does happiness seem like water evaporating the minute I wake up? Bear with me...I read this one line about Jesus, The Savior of the world!, the One who knew the end all along "he was a man full of sorrow, acquainted with grief" We know he was a lowly carpenter. We know Jesus was FULLY human and felt the same fears and pains we do. Yet He wasn't skipping around smiling while He happily shared the truth and love of God with all men. His own brothers in his house rejected him. Sounds "fun"! ....and then in Hebrews 12 we read the reason "He endured the cross, was for the JOY set before Him" that's it. So if we're to "take up our cross daily" why do we think it should be easy, enjoyable, or fun? No one likes to -endure- anything. But we do endure this life for the JOY set before us. There IS more! This is the part of God's story through each of us that have believed, where He shows the world-my children are not living for what's been given to them on earth, but for their inheritance I have for those who finish the race. ~ so what I 'get' today~ is that my joy is founded on the Rock of my salvation through Christ Jesus. And THAT is enough~

Rain Boots

Today was not my favorite day. Most days aren't. I have a beautiful life and many blessings and treasures and SO many good things.....and I thank God for them constantly! But just like someone who can't smell or taste, they don't stop eating and the aroma is still all around - they just don't get to enjoy it. That is how I feel every day within my own mind. For some reason I can't enjoy this life he's given me. BUT, every day I live my life for him despite how I {feel} is like putting on rain boots when you have to walk miles in the rain. They don't stop the rain from coming, they don't make the sun shine, but they do make a difficult messy walk a little bit easier. And I MUST admit, I am looking VERY forward to where I'm walking to. :-)

"I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." Philippians 3:14

A gift to my mom 11 years ago...,

Click Here to read my poem

A friend scanned and sent me this old poem I wrote my mom in 2004 for Mother's Day. I had forgotten about it and reading it today brought grace for myself as a mom in such a way that gave me freedom again to be- just where I am.

I'm not responsible to give my kids the best childhood ever, I'm not responsible to even make it enjoyable (although it's a bonus) I've been given these treasures, yes, and I treasure them, but at the end of the day I'm to remind them, God and ONLY God is their reason for existence, and He is the only one with the gifts to give them to accomplish whatever race He sets out for them. So, at the end of today, my hope is not to be the best mom, but to teach my kids there is a God who has forgiven them MUCH, and for them to forgive me and all the others who WILL fail them~

THIS is freeing.

I'm thankful for a mom who always pointed me to Jesus~


"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:31-32

Disclaimer & Challenge

I love disclaimers because they give me freedom from the expectations I put on myself and the ones I think others put on me. So you must know- I'm not a blogger, I'm not good with grammar, I blog from my phone so few words no-frills and lots of mistakes, & more often than not- I'm misunderstood. But, I am a verbal processor, I think out loud, and to walk in freedom this is a great way to share my thoughts however small or large or strange they may be. I also love people and more than that I love getting to know the heart of people - the part that they don't share every day all the time. That can take effort, vulnerability, transparency, patience...but mainly it's the ability to not be afraid to be nosy. 😶 so as I share those raw parts of me I challenge anyone reading this to comment and share parts of them, 1) because I truly love to know people's hearts/struggles & 2) it makes me feel a little less alone 😬

What is the goal?

Struggling with unmet expectations. Is the goal to come together with people and have a memory worth having, a warm fuzzy feeling, a good time with laughs, or an experience that enriches your life more?? I know what I would pick. But is that unrealistic? And is choosing not to come together because you don't have it cutting yourself off & being selfish? I don't know, what do you think?