Mother's Day Disillusion

My husband hates holidays. He thinks they are money makers. That we should celebrate the people we love everyday, and over the years I have come to agree. We still celebrate holidays (as the mood hits us).

But after 19 years of marraige I have celebrated 17 Mother's Days to which most of them were some of my BIGGEST pity-parties ever. I invited disappointment, anger, and rejection to my party. Of course I tried to do things like focus on others, celebrate with friends, play with my kids, but some how they always left me feeling disappointed. I have quite a lot of friends that have/do struggle with getting pregnant and I used to feel bad about being blessed with children sometimes. But I've realized although we should be sensitive, it's like not enjoying your wedding because some of your friends aren't married. 

After years of therapy, I've come to know these behaviors as co-dependant. Wow! Me? Eww! I don't want to be that. Co-dependency takes responsibility for other people's pain. They make less of themselves so others don't feel bad. (Hence feeling guilty for being blessed) There are so many facets to co-dependency, but for me this quote says best where my Mother's Day parties went awry:
"Codependency is using a relationship to fill a bottomless void due to not feeling whole and loved as an individual.

It's not the need to be loved that's the issue, it's the inability to love one's self that causes the dysfunction."  Graham R. White

I didn't like myself AT ALL...and even though I was expecting others to make me feel special, the truth was, I was setting them up to fail. One Mother's Day of loving on me would not make up for the 364 days that I beat myself up. 

I realized, like my friends who weren't mothers {yet} Mother's Day was a day that the enemy used to lie to me. To tell me "God forgot you, You're not worthy to be a mom, you're being punished for something" ~all lies~ 

For me, Mother's Day became a day destined to be doomed. It reminded me of ~ what I have and where I am in life.~ Sadly, self-pity robbed me from seeing all that He's given me. I focused more on being disappointed my life wasn't how I hoped, or jealous so many had what I didn't (whatever that is), basically I was upset, yet again, there was a void in me NO PERSON could meet. Not my own mom, not a new baby, not my own child, not my husband, and not even chocolate! 

I had to let God heal my warped perspective of love (an imaginary euphoric happiness) and realize the truth was, I couldn't receive love because I wasn't believing what God gave me was ~enough~ 

Downright plain selfishness. 

The sin of selfishness has killed more people than any sin I know. {Juli's statistics} Yep, that big ugly sin of 'me' was lurking to devour my family, me, and my witness for my gracious Savior. 

I now counter my selfishness with contentment. Contentment means satisfied. 

Satisfy: to fulfill the desires,expectations, needs, or demandsof (a person, the mind, etc.);give full contentment to

I can't say I have mastered this verse,  not.at.all. But it is my aim, my standard, and it reminds me that God is good and worthy to be praised whether I have what I want or not. 

"I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little." Philippians 4:12

The truth is God is always at work on our behalf. Our story isn't over till He says. And this world is about Him communing with us as we share with others His Extravagant love. So this Mother's Day will still be a reminder of ~what I have and where I am in life, and I now believe in the depth of my heart, "I have MORE than I deserve." 

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6

Today (A year later)

So I have been starting over every morning I open my eyes. I'm realizing a year has gone by since I began documenting this journey and as I anticipated, I left out all the nitty gritty details that have brought me to this point.
I'm truly surprised I'm still here honestly. These last 3 years especially have been the darkest night my soul has seen. And the truth is, I wouldn't trade it for the richness of joy I have today.
Someone said during this time, "Without the darkness you would never see all the millions of stars." Those stars were my christian friends and everything He used to keep me looking up.
Tonight during our Seder meal I was sharing about the freedom from slavery God brought in Exodus to the fulfillment of it with Jesus. I didn't realize until now that I have missed something very important about this Good News. Great suffering, pain, humiliation, confusion, doubt, despair, and death all proceeded the resurrection. So as I feel alive this Easter for the first time - maybe ever; I concur with this sobering truth, "you can't be raised with Christ, unless you have died with Him."
"I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!" Philippians 3:10-11